So I know I said I would keep up with this blog still and not give up on it just because I got pregnant. I have had and do still have every intention of doing so. That being said, I realize it's now been over a month since my last blog post. While it's not really a good excuse, it's the truth, but I have just been so overwhelmed with my emotions during the times that I actually have had time to say something, the rest of the time I've been crazy busy doing this that and the other.
My boyfriend finally moved back to Texas and so now I'm spending a lot more time with him. I'm also busy doing things with my son now that it's spring time and we can get out of the house and enjoy the sunshine more and more these days. I have Dr appointments and playdates and family outings and everything else going on. But mostly it's been some sort of emotional disconnection and depression I've been having that has kept me from posting here. Not because I do not wish to share the bad things as well as the good here, as I've always stated I will try my best to tell it like it is. Just because it's been hard for me to cope with things and understand everything I've been feeling enough to even have something to say that wasn't just an entirely too jumbled mess to understand.
It's strange to feel so emotionally conflicted. I love love love that I'm having another baby. There were many times I thought I either wouldn't be able to because of how bad I messed up my health or that I wasn't going to because I thought I'd remain single the rest of my life. Then I think about all the hard work I put in this past year and how I was so happy in my skin finally and now I feel just as awkward as before, if not worse because I feel like so many people were expecting me to just put all the weight back on anyways and I wanted to be able to be like um no, I got this. lol. Oh well. It's something that's constantly on my mind because when I decided to get healthy last year I surrounded myself in every way possible with healthy images and people. I covered my desktop wallpaper and screensaver in all these pictures of reasons to get fit and stay that way and then I added all these friends and bloggers on similar journeys and I see them still posting every single day about losing more weight and becoming one step healthier and so its always in my face. I wont delete the pictures though because I want them for when I'm working hard on myself again and I know I should still be staying as healthy as I can during pregnancy even if I'm not hitting the exercise as hardcore as I used to. I wont delete the new friends, because they are just that, friends who care about me and have offered so much wonderful advice and encouragement, etc. I still want to be there for them and be supportive.
I just wish I knew more people like me who lost a whole lot of weight and then got pregnant. I knew one woman who was in the same boat as me and we were even only a couple weeks apart at most, but she lost her baby about a month ago. I can't really talk to her anymore because she's pretty much upset with the world and all her other pregnant friends, etc. I don't blame her or anything though and can't imagine what she's going through. I just wish I had someone who I can relate to on this journey the same way I had so many of you I could relate to on my journey last year.
Anyways... as far as the good things go, I am very much in love with my boyfriend and he is crazy about me so things couldn't be more wonderful there. My son loves him just as much and seems to be okay with there being a baby in my belly. He tells me that someday he will have a baby in his belly too no matter how many times I say it's not gonna happen, lol. I will be 18 weeks on Tuesday and so I'm just 2 weeks away from being half way through! At 21 weeks I have my next doctor's appointment and will finally be finding out the sex of my baby! I'm so excited to know so I can continue buying but be more specific with colors and such. I've bought so many things already, lol. I just can't help it. Tiny things are way cute. I figure I can exchange anything I got that was too girly or too boyish whichever way it turns out. I'm still really hoping this is a girl and so is everyone else in our families and friends. My boyfriend refuses to refer to the baby as anything other than she or her until proved otherwise. lol. We have a girl's name picked out but nothing for a boy yet since he doesn't really wanna think of it being a boy. I can't imagine a better boy's name than Jett so I hope I don't have to come up with one. lol. Her name will be Bethany Kate though as long as it's a girl. I need to take some more belly pictures but here is the last one I took at 13 weeks.
I can't wait to have more sonogram pictures and video to show everyone in a few more weeks. :)
