I think it's safe to say that for the last 2 months now I've been stuck going up and down in the 170s. There are tons of legitimate excuses I could offer as to why I haven't been steadily going down, but I won't even bother. It's a waste of my time to sit here and try to justify why I haven't been going down and keep seeing the same few numbers over and over again. Well yesterday I got a big smack in the face and saw that 180 number again for the first time in months. The scale read 180.4 and my heart sank. I knew I hadn't been eating anywhere near as well as before or exercising hardly any these last few days so it was inevitable to say the least. I consider myself lucky to have not seen that number before now. After wallowing in self pity and more food yesterday... ugh.. yes I totally binged and comforted myself with food. Horrible decisions in retroscpect and even at the time I was doing it. I was hating myself and trying to convince myself to get up and do anything else at all. But eventually by late afternoon I talked myself into getting up and going for a run. As far as I can remember, this was the first time I made time for running since having ran my race 2 weeks ago. I'm sooo glad I ran yesterday but very disappointed in myself that I let so long go by since my last run when nothing was really stopping me but myself.
I've decided to put my foot down today and start counting calories again. Obviously I fail at listening to my body... well not really. I mean honestly, I could feel that I was already full while I continued to eat other things out of boredom or comfort, etc. I just need to eventually work more on my will power and determination to not just settle for looking good. Sure I look great right now, the best I have in my entire life pretty much. I'm smaller than I was in middle school. But I'm still not as healthy or fit as I could be and I'm not trying to halfass my way through the rest of my life. I want to live cleaner and show my son how to do it right from the start. I want to go back to school to become a personal trainer someday and I'm not getting there by giving up on myself after what seems like enough to other people. So back to counting those calories again and having a much stricter limit on what foods I eat and when I am eating them. Back to not eating after dinner time, etc.
I'm sorry to my loyal readers who've probably wondered where I've been since I haven't posted in the last 2 weeks. Everyday I look at my blog and think man it's time to update it... but I hadn't really had anything worth saying and so I didn't. I think it's time to face facts though and stop hiding from myself and everyone else. I doubt I will hit goal of 150 before the year is up on January 15th, but I am going to damn sure try to get as close as possible before then!
I will start P90x today finally. Been putting it off way too long. I need something like this to get me going though and pushing my past my self imposed limits. Here's hoping that does the trick. Expect a post from me sometime soon about how day 1 went.. :)
I want to leave this picture on everyone's mind as we try and finish out the holidays strong... It sure helped put some perspective on things for me.